Not, friends & lovers

The moon is so bright tonight.  Not a full moon, maybe a really large man slice of pie moon but shiny bright just the same.   I am figuring out that I do not have anything figured out.  Life long friendships have apparently been pretty much one sided.  Long term relationships have been a figment of my imagination and not a real relationship at all.  Once again I find myself, oh I don't quite know how to describe the feeling...sort of off balance, like in the fun house at a carnival.  In fact so much has happened that is just so far and beyound my comprehension, like it is not as bad as it seems but worse than I will ever know.  I am totally at a loss.  Sensory overload?  That is a yes.  Am I overwhelmed to the point of unable to make one more life, relationship or what's for dinner decision?  That is a definite yes, I think, let me ask...I feel like if I can figure out why someone does what they do then I can deal with it, accept it or get away from it but I am okay.  I just had no idea there are so many people out there, well not out there, in my space, with evil, malicious, and just way hurtful motives.  What I currently have so much trouble wrapping my mind around is I have allowed myself to be treated as a tool, a means to an end, kept around for what I can provide, nothing more.  I know I have seen good, felt a connection, but only on my side apparently.   I am not angry. I do not do things to get something back but is does seem like give and take on both sides is how it should be.  It is so, oh I don't know, just  sad maybe.  Well for about a minute.  I guess there are some things I will just never understand.  I do not want to waste my precious energy and valuable time with hurt feelings on what I cannot change, or fix or even begin to understand.  I just cannot dwell on puky stuff.   Peace, kisses