List-What do I want?

When I was married I thought I knew what it was I wanted-that story book fantasy I thought was real but was not and never has been realistic.  You know like the Cleavers or the Nelsons.  Silly to think of now.  No freaking wonder I was so unhappy, my poor ex somehow put up with me for all those years. Lately I have been thinking about what it is I do want cause I keep saying I don't know what I want and I don't know what I am doing.  I think it is about time to figure that out.  There are lots of internet sites that address relationships.  I have read them all.  Not really all but I have spent some time and money collecting information.  If that sounds kinda dumb that is just me.  You know it seems to me like  everyone else just seems to know what to do.  Like relationships and life decisions just come naturally or they just instinctively 'Know'.  I always feel like I need something written down, a concrete list or set of rules that tell me what comes next.  Like the script for the Nelsons or the Cleavers. (hey, it worked for them)  There are a few basic threads I have found in that material that I wrote down. #1. Love me first.  - That is a hard one for me cause I am a Mom and Grandmother and former wife and I learned in Sunday School, in fact those Sunday School teachers drilled in our heads to always put ourself last.  #2. Stick to my own life and routine when dating. - Do you see the way this is going?  It is all about ME.  Such a foreign concept from  the way I was brought up, or at least the way I understood it.  Life is about change and I am doing a lot of that lately.  Think I will start another list.... kisses